12-Aug-2019, 7:29 PM
I'm sorry everyone, but I don't think I can handle being here (at least in Discord) for a while. For too long I've put up an "internet tough guy" act, especially in Non-CC chatrooms, and I can't take that anymore. I'm going through what's probably the roughest time in my life right now and these are the things that explain why. My hope is that a few years down the road, these things can be forgotten (or better yet, perhaps they already have), and I'll be able to move on in my life.
It's a very complicated issue, and I unfortunately can't really tell the whole story because, honestly, I'm not sure if I remember it. Rarely, even outside of the CCBBC Discord, even in real life, I just find myself being too much of a hothead and saying things I wish I could take back.
I want to be remembered for the good things I do, not as some weak "tough guy". I'm going to devote the next few days of my life to changing and improving myself. Until then, I'm off.
Okay, you know what? That was a terrible explanation. You all deserve a bit more clarity than... that. So at the risk of getting a little too personal, I'll tell you more.
When I joined the CCBBC Discord in August 2018, I was so afraid to talk that I refused to do so for about 2-3 days. I was so paranoid that people would hate me, knowing how I had acted in real life in the past - and especially in a chat room full of 80 people. Now, I've said many, many things I wish I could just erase, and I am genuinely sorry to everyone who had to see that part of me.
In January 2019, this anxiety got so bad that I had to step away from the community for an entire month. Maybe it's just part of me getting older, but honestly, I think I got worse when I returned in February.
Over the years, I've noticed my tendency to get irritated at random things, as well as rapid mood swings. I shame myself constantly for every sin I have committed. I won't give specific examples, as there are some things I just can't bear to relive.
I can't really think of a good way to end this, so I'll just leave it here. And don't worry - I'll probably be back sooner rather than later. Maybe I'm just too anxious all the time, and maybe people are willing to look at me in a new light. You might see a report or two from me, but until the day I think I'm ready to return... farewell.